Self Esteem

Yeah, so my self esteem is shot. I really have no reason for it, even. I am the kind of person that when people meet me, I think they almost all like me. Almost instantly. I am polite, nice, even to people that I don’t like for one reason or another. What I knit impresses a lot of people. A LOT. I made a child’s jacket/shrug/cardi as a shop sample at work, and everybody thinks it is just ADORABLE. “Oh, you made that? Wow, it’s so cute!” Repeat as desired.

I think it’s pretty much work that’s getting me down. I hate making mistakes. I don’t mean like in knitting, I wouldn’t call myself a perfectionist. My knitting motto is “Eh, looks fine to me, go for it!” What I hate is getting in trouble. Even if that trouble is just in my head.

Once at work, I was helping a woman too much for free, and my boss told me, essentially don’t do it again. I had to go to the bathroom because I was crying, and that ruined my day. The shorts that I have worn to work off and on for the entire time I have been working there (almost a year, I think), my boss just told me they are too short, and I shouldn’t wear them to work anymore. On knitty, somebody said that maybe a customer said something to her, and she was just passing it on. Didn’t sound like it the way she told me, but I’ll go with it. Saying that some prude at the shop thinks that a skirt hem above the knees is racy, let alone shorts that show that you have actual LEGS makes me feel better. I don’t mind telling myself something like that to reduce tension or whatever you would call it.

I mean, I beat myself up for the stupidest things. It’s rediculous. And I can’t spell, but I have long since accepted that and don’t care anymore.

I have friends at school. I am teaching two to knit, and another one wants to learn too. I am making a pair of cabled gloves, Entangled Stitches, and everybody loves them and thinks they look so cool and so complicated. And yes, they are very complicated, and they are really cool.

But I just can’t get it into my head that when people compliement me on my knitting, and think I am sooo talented, they really mean it. I need to stop chalking it up to the fact that they don’t knit, haven’t felt any really good yarn, or if they do knit, haven’t done anything more complicated than garter or stockinette.

I really AM awesome, and need to get that into my head. Besides the Deaf people in my class, I am one of the more advanced students in ASL. I understand what is being said, I can sign fluidly, and I have only been signing for less than four years. It took me less than three years after learning to knit to get hired at a yarn shop. I have helped some of my co-workers with shop sample patterns. I am teaching people at school to knit, and to not be afraid of patterns because they “look” hard. Take it one stitch at a time. Cables? Well, knit (or purl) until you get to the point where you have to cable. Slip a few stitches onto a cable needle. Okay, that’s not hard. Knit the stitches on your left needle like normal. Fine, do that all the time. Knit the stitches off the cable needle like normal. Again, it’s just knitting. And you have a cable cross.

I learned most of my knitting skills from a book. My grandma taught me to cast on and the knit stitch. She got me going on the basics, and I learned the rest from a book, online, or (in the case of the long-tail cast on) from TV. I have taken (am taking?) one knitting class, and that is more of a KAL. Last night I learned to do entrelac from this website.

I had to, really, I’m making a Pratchgan, and one of the squares is entrelac, for the color of magic (octarine). So of COURSE I had to learn. Less than an hour later, I was entrelac-ing, though I haven’t bound off yet. I simply do not understand why people need classes for this sort of thing. Projects, okay, you can sit and knit and socialize.

So why do I have low self-esteem? F*** if I know. I guess I have convinced myself that I am “average”, and nothing special. Even though I am usually in the top of my classes grade-wise, can pick things up very quickly (knitting, ASL), and many people count me as a friend. That is something I need to work on. I am an awesome person. I am not “average”, whatever that means anyway.

Moving on, after 823 words.

My best friend, Stephanie, posted a meme. I think that’s what it’s called, anyway. So, I will do the same, with one word, like she did:

1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Where is your significant other? none
3. Your hair color? brown
4. Your mother? nurse
5. Your father? retired
6. Your favorite thing? wool
7. Your dream last night? none
8. Your dream/goal? interpreter
9. The room you’re in? mine
10. Your hobby? Singlular?
11. Your fear? people
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? home
13. Where were you last night? TV
14. What you’re not? outgoing
15. One of your wish-list items? mansion
16. Where you grew up? cabin
17. The last thing you did? internet
18. What are you wearing? clothes
19. Your TV? there
20. Your pet? Pillbug
21. Your computer? this
22. Your mood? low
23. Missing someone? Eh…
24. Your car? Jakob
25. Something you’re not wearing? shoes
26. Favorite store? yarn
27. Your summer? fun-ish
28. Love someone? meh-bey…
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? today

Heh. That was kind of fun.

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3 Responses to “Self Esteem”

  1. sherrieh Says:

    You might want to visit my blog for some tips on loving yourself on your journey through life at http://www.sherrieh.workpress.com. Warm hugs to the real you!

  2. Stephanie Says:

    Hey! I meant to e-mail you today but somehow it slipped my mind. Sorry about that! I really didn’t spend a ton of time on the computer today either. Trying to get some work done. Applied for study abroad program!

    Self esteem is HARD, and harder still because no one can really help you with it. You have to pick up your own strength. Stupid stupid thing.

    You know what else? I realized this over the summer while reading the Daily Review opinion section: I really AM smarter than the editors there. And you are too. Which frustrated me, because I rely on them for information, and assume that they know what they’re talking about, when they don’t. It may be the same with knitting. You and I think all these things are “so easy” (yeah, I totally learned to knit from a book too), but to the average person, they’re not. I don’t know HOW but they are. We just have to accept that.

    Funnily, even I’ve gotten prudish about wearing shorts recently. But that’s only in relation to myself. I don’t care when others wear shorts at all.

    AND ANYWAY. Isn’t that meme kind of fun? Yes it is. Your fear and mine are the same. Woe.

  3. Dave Says:

    Sorry to hear about your struggles. We all go through it and its harder on some than others. I hope things work out for you.

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