Archive for February, 2009

Introspection

February 9, 2009

I have been thinking lately about what I want to do with my life. I do want to be an interpreter, yes. But, I don’t know. It’s hard to describe.

I am very… I can’t think of the word. Easily influenced, change my mind a lot. It’s kind of late, and I had school today, so my brain is a bit fried. I go through jags, as I have mentioned before. Sign language and knitting are the only things that have stuck around for any length of time, really. More generally, I like personal histories, and I want to travel, but I have only been to two states (though it may be three this summer), never been out of the country.

Sometimes I think ASL has worn out it’s welcome in my intrest-o-meter, and the only reason I am still taking classes with it is because 1) I don’t know what else I would/could do and¬†2) I picked my JC because of it. I feel like I should, but I really don’t know anymore.

Right now, I am planning on going through the interpreter program, graduating with my Certificate or AA or whatever, then transfering to a CSU to get a BA in something (you need a BA to interpret, or will soon). But I don’t know what to get it in (I may not have a choice, they may want something like Communications, if not directly¬†Deaf/ASL related).

Maybe I think about the future too much. I have already started collecting dishes for when I move out (nowhere in the near future). I don’t want to “eat off the good plastic”, as my brother said. I want actual dishes, actual utensils, pots, pans, knives. I cook, and want to cook for myself, even though cooking for one is a bit harder. Most of the stuff I know how to make is for 2-4, sometimes with leftovers. I am already planning for things that are at least two years away. And who knows what could happen in two years?

I also feel like my coping mechanisms for stress may actually be detrimental. My way of coping with stress is to just not think about it, and write stories in my head. It started as a way to get to sleep easier, because I worry a fair amount, so I just told myself “no, you are not allowed to think about school, you will write this fanfiction tonight.” It got to the point that I don’t just confine it to the nighttime, I think about it during the day, too.

Maybe I do this because I get bored so easily. It’s not like I have had the most interesting, exciting life. My hands get bored, which is why I was knitting in Psych today. Plain sock, under my desk, bothered nobody, between taking notes. But my mind still wanders. And at inappropriate times, too. During Psych or Oceanography, something will remind me of something else, and for a few seconds before I catch myself I will be thinking about Hogan’s Heroes or some knitting pattern I have in my head that I want to design. Then I have to mentally slap myself and get back into what the teacher is saying.

I don’t know. I feel like having a good cry, but then that won’t solve anything. I’ve thought like this before, but it has always been in the middle of the week, like the night before I have school, and it’s not like I can stay up all night soul-searching.

I like learning. I find my classes very interesting, and love to learn more about it. But I am more of a “read a book and learn something” rather than a “go out and find out for yourself” type person. So I can’t see myself as an archaeologist or scientist (I hate math anyway).

I have almost a week off coming up. I want to get ahead in my reading for my classes. Maybe I can think about things then.

Advertisements